It has been a little while since my last post. These past few weeks have been a bit of a haze and I feel like I'm living in a fog. I've had trouble with my memory, but it has been especially bad in the last little while. For those of you who know me, please don't be offended if I forget something I'm supposed to remember.
I always wondered what it would be like to lose a parent. It was so beyond what I could imagine and now that it has happened, I realize that there is nothing you can do to prepare or compare it to. But I guess that depends on the relationship you had with your parents as well. I loved me Dad dearly and he was my hero, if you want to call it that. I looked up to him as he was such a wise, patient man who took time to listen to those he met. He really was one of the good guys and I miss him terribly. I am so thankful that I will one day be reunited with him! We serve an awesome God!
During the whole funeral planning process, someone asked me how I was feeling physically and it dawned on me that although stress is a trigger for my tremors, I had no symptoms at all like that. I was very tired, but that could also have been atributed to not sleeping well during all of that. God totally sustained me and upheld me through the entire process! I had tremors and shaking show up after the funeral was over but within a day or two, they were gone. I continually felt the support of all the prayers going up for me and my family and thank you all for praying. God is good and I will continue to praise Him for His goodness and faithfulness!
Through this whole process, there are a few lines from a song we sing in church that have run through my head over and over and they have come to have new meaning in my life.
"All along you have been so faithful.
All along you have been my refuge.
You are my refuge.
And I'll praise your name
and love you the same.
You're my refuge."
It has struck me over and over that God IS faithful and His ways are perfect. The part where it says 'love you the same' made me realize how easy it is to lose our love, zest, or zeal for God when the tought times hit. It's easy to blame God or ask how He could do this to us, but I have realized that I need to ask Him why He did this FOR me, not TO me. My love for God needs to remain constant and although I think it's normal to ask questions, there comes a time where we need to realize that God's plan is perfect and He knows what He's doing. Keeping up with my devotions has been a struggle in these last 3 weeks - I must admit. I have felt very dry at times and the sadness wants to completely take over. Was it Bon Jovi who sang 'Livin' on a Prayer'? That's how I have felt. Like I've solely been coping by living on the prayers of others. But what I have discovered is that God wants to meet me where I am. He knows exactly how I feel and comes to me, gently takes my hand in His, and just walks beside me. When I opened my Bible yesterday, I really didn't want to read. I started to feel angry that I had to focus on something other than my own grief, but God patiently reminded me that He was beside me and that He honors our intentions. I did read, and although it wasn't the deepest spiritual time I've had, I did feel peace afterward and a renewed sense of purpose.
The Monday after my Dad died, I got a call from the MRI clinic saying that I could come in for my MRI sooner than expected. I was there on Aug. 4. Since my neurologist is out of town for the month of Aug., I still need to wait until Sept. to get my results. I have felt very frustrated with all of the waiting, but through all of this, that has been God's theme. Learning to wait patiently. God's timing is perfect. Just before my Dad's death, he and my Mom went on a vacation and brought back a plaque with a saying on it "Faith in God includes faith in His timing". I will choose to keep giving this over to Him. God has been so faithful to me up to this point, so why should I give up trusting now just because things aren't happening the way I want them to.
One last thing before I go - here's a verse that impacted me today.
"The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down."
Even though I am walking through one of the most difficult times in my life, I choose to keep trusting the promises that God has given me and leaning NOT on my own understanding.
God bless you all.